Poultry Prophecy

One of my closest friends has a theory about chickens, which she revealed to me when we were in high school.

"Chickens are evil," she said casually, when someone asked her why she abstained from eating poultry.
"Wait... What....?" We responded, confused. I had chickens as pets when I was a child, so it was hard to imagine them harboring some kind of evil plan that they were to hatch upon mankind. (Pun regrettably intended).

"Yeah, they're going to take over the world," she said again. As my face showed all signs of being flabbergasted, images of dominatrix chickens whipping docile humans while holding them on a leash flashed through my head. My friend's convictions wavered at times--they didn't apply to Chicken McNuggests, because, as she said, those weren't really chicken.

I couldn't find a picture of a dominatric chicken.

In hindsight, my friend had a bit of prophetic wisdom in her words, after all, avian flu was and still is a serious threat in some places.

But the other day I came face to face with an evil chicken that taunted me from beyond the grave.

As you know, I love my cats. This love involves me cooking for them, rather than cooking for myself-- giving me a convenient excuse to constantly eat take-out (it's a win-win situation). And the other day, I thought to myself while shopping with a friend, "Why not cook an entire chicken?"

Victim and Perpetrator

Bad. Bad idea. I overestimated my Julia Child-esque butchering capabilities. I was left, half-wretching, half-crying, into my sink which also held a chicken's whole carcass maimed by my feeble attempts with a cooking knife. (I was trying to take off the skin for cat health purposes) One of my friends had the misfortune of being on the phone with me- an anecdote she was telling me was constantly interrupted by my faint cries of "blergh...blerghhhh...blerrghhhh....."

Own that chicken Julia!

In the end, I submerged that evil agent of destruction into a pot of boiling water and prayed for it not to leap out with its little wings at my exposed throat. (No such thing happened, although I'm pretty sure that it's possible.)

I thought I'd conquered my fears but now I'm unable to smell or eat chicken. My friend was right. Chickens are evil. I know because I've faced one and lived.

(This is by far the most idiotic thing I've ever written.)