C'est Pas Possible

There are many reasons--my current 7 PM attire of bulky socks and pajamas being one of them-- that I am contesting the fact that I've recently turned 24. There must be some kind of conspiracy or calculation error that led me to this seemingly advanced age- it just cannot be.

I didn't type it on a typewriter but I thought the font would help me channel Hunter S. Thompson.

Dear Forces of the Universe,

I'm writing to address a gross error on the part of the time-space continuum, of which I believe you are the department head. According to my birth certificate, I am 24. Sadly you have not equipped me with the proper tools to possess these many years, and I must ask you for a reversal of this time, the reasons for which are herewith.  

1) I just tried to (successfully) hack into my own online bank account. Every time I come up with a new password for it I forget it as soon as I turn off my computer. Trying to hack into my own brain is harder than I imagined.

2) I spent the last 12 or so hours watching the first season of the Jersey Shore. I'd rather not comment on this, as it's particularly shameful. SHAMEFUL that I didn't see season 1 when it was on television! I've seen this intro way too many times and can hear it playing in my head:

        

3) The only reason I put on pants today was that I have new neighbors in the building across from mine and I know that they can see into my apartment, because my previous neighbors walked around naked all the time and I scarred my retinas by unwittingly glancing over at their uncovered windows.

4) A cupcake is my motivation for getting out of the house today. (In my defense, it's a pretty amazing cupcake, being held hostage by one of my dear friends. So I'll get to see her and eat a cupcake. Did I mention the cupcake?)

Sweet Arbiter of My Fate

6) I have a stack of library books that is my height, and I think I've read maybe one of them in full. I've become a library book hoarder.

7)I'm all of five feet tall, constantly carded, and told I look 16. 

8)I'm seriously considering starting a conversation with myself on Gchat due to the two separate Gmail accounts I have open a this moment. 

Thus ends my argument for now. Please carefully review my reasoning. You can speak with my team of lawyers at your soonest convenience.I expect either an age reversal or a lump-sum of monetary compensation.

(NOTE: This being said, thank you to the ppl (and felines) who spoiled me this weekend.)