Can I Put "Delusion" Under "Special Skills"?

 As I previously mentioned, I'm unemployed. Very much so. And yes, there are varying levels of unemployment. There's the chronically unemployed-- thankfully, I'm not a part of this group, although at the rate I'm going, busking in the subway may be a possibility. For the good of people travelling on any form of subterranean transportation, it's best (for their sanities and ear drums) I'm restrained from doing this. The only instrument at which I'm proficient is the recorder, (see number three) and I doubt anyone wants flashbacks of their elementary school recorder experiences.


Since I am unemployed, and have copious amounts of time on my hand which should ideally be used for job searching but is rather employed anthropomorphising my cat and writing blog posts, I've devised a handy-dandy collection of ideas of things I should do whilst unemployed. I don't want you to think that I'm obsessed with lists, (and hence, anal) but I love lists.


1) Become a crossword puzzle genius: I briefly considered becoming a chess genius, but last time I played chess it was with a nine year old, and he beat me-- twice. In the past week, I was on a plane for a total of six hours. What did I do? I worked strenuously on the SAME NY magazine crossword puzzle. The. Same. One. As the little boxes filled in, I became convinced- I'm REALLY good at this shit! (There was a hint of delusion in the stale airplane air) So, I will become a mad crossword genius, and groups of people will gather round to watch me as I solve them in a matter of mere minutes. I'll be the Bobby Fischer of crossword puzzles. They'll make a film about me. I think I've said enough on the matter.

I don't want to tell you how much time this took. Also, I underestimated the number of letters in "puzzle"                

2) Learn to drive so I can prove that yes, I can reach the pedals : In the past month, I've been reengaged with suburban America. (Aka "The Real America) And I've discovered two things--- Firstly, this supposedly "real" land (in which the closest semblance of a cultural centre is a strip of chain stores) is kind of horrible. Secondly, if you don't have a car, or don't know how to drive, you're fucked. (I've always lived in cities, it was neither necessary nor safe since the cities were notorious for reckless driving) I've been told my legs are too short to reach the pedals, but screw you haters, I will soon be very comfortably sitting on a large cushion in the driver's seat.

You can get this fancy thing here- it swivels too....!

3) Teach myself to play the guitar that I have had for over six years: The guitar symbolizes how impressive my powers of delusion are. When I got it, I was (and still am) convinced I would be an autodidact, like those artists grueled for hours upon hours, alone, teaching themselves how to play guitar or piano, so they would someday write their masterpieces. (Or lip-sync to them) But I really didn't have the determination or drive for that. I learned a couple chords, but hit a wall when it came to the strumming bit. Maybe it's time for this pipe dream to be finally REALISED!


4) Coach my cat into being a You Tube sensation: This is probably the most realistic of my options. He's very charming and his antics would be rivaled only by "Charlie Bit Me." His act would be part Maru, (see below) part Charlie Chaplin. But I'm scared I will be an overbearing stage mother and that the fame will go to his head. I just want him to lead a normal life.

5)  Fruit Ninja high score: Ever since one of dear friend's has had an ipad in her life, it has been my dream and goal to beat her high score on Fruit Ninja. My quest remains unfufilled, and she is only getting stronger as I languish to surpass her. Must practice slicing fruits with panache and dexterity.

These are most of my more pragmatic suggestions. Any others would be very much appreciated-- for example, building a ten foot structure out of al dente macaroni, or placing tracking devices on squirrels for super important research about acorn. (ha! ACORN)