Employment Fail

So, I had a job interview yesterday.

It was strange.

I arrived at the building (which, I'm sad to say, was in Washington D.C.). When I arrived at the lobby, the secretary immediately told me to sit down in a chair directly behind me.

When the chair started moving, I realised they'd sat me down in a wheelchair and some hefty man was now pushing me at full-speed through the corridors of an office building, navigating around desks and cubicles. Did I look physically impaired? Or was my laziness so apparent to the world that they figured a time-saving technique would be pushing me around at turbo-speed? I was thoroughly confused.

Heftyheftyhefty parked the chair near a cubicle and I was face to face with my interviewer. She introduced me to her underling, an earnest sliver of a man wearing thick-framed glasses and an immaculately groomed coif.

Then she asked for my resume.

Shit, my resume.

I knew I had it in my bag somewhere...Like a madwoman, I searched through the contents of a knapsack which I then realised was probably not appropriate for a job interview. But the only thing I could find was a stack of embarrassing lady magazines.

"Erm, maybe you could look on your email? I sent it to you." I asked imploringly.

"MMMmmmm...No." She said, emoting her dissatisfaction in one big "Whatthefuckiswrongwithyou" look.

Imagine this look in a human form.

Finally, I found it, folded in one of the many books I'd somehow fit in my bag. (I thought about making a crack about an extendable bag charm as I'd just seen Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows but I though better of it)

She sat me in front of a TV screen to watch one of their on-going projects.

"You've heard of our urban-renewal-wildlife-blah-blah-blah-not-listening-to-the-words-you're-saying project, haven't you?"

"Ohh, of course," I said, realising I had no clue about the images being projected on the screen. First there were lobsters. Then a pile of hay. Then two angry looking dogs chasing after an elephant.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw two small children watching eagerly. Somehow, I gathered skinnyeagerassistant was babysitting them for scaryboss. Their commentary was a little distracting:

"Oh my good I can't wait till the dogs catch the elephants....YEAAHHHH!!!!"

I was already struggling to keep my eyes open when a huge blonde blob materialised under my outstretched hand- it was an enormous golden retriever, begging for some affection. (WHAT kind of OFFICE IS THIS? I thought to myself, secretly happy that a canine presence would help keep me awake)

When my cooing and petting became distracting to the pair evaluating me, I focused back on the urbanrenewalwildlife mumbo jumbo.

But...Sosleeepyyyyy..why didn't I drink more caffeine? Would they notice if I took a micronap?
My forehead felt heavy. With horror, I reached up and realised I was still wearing one of those airplane-eye-sheilding things from the night before.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAH! She'd surely noticed. It's not like I could pass it off as a fashion accessory. Or could I? What if I put it back on for a little nap?

Then all of it, the dog-nudging, children blabbering, skinnyasssistant glaring at me, reached a symphonic zenith and suddenly I heard a bell ringing in the distance.

My next-door-neighbor's doorbell. I woke up.

I thought if I gave you a cute picture you'd forgive me for making you read this.