Epic Equation of Doom

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A movie so bad that mankind will have to go into hiding to escape the annihilation/permanent paralysis of our brain cells

*Note, I have seen neither of these movies. I saw The Mechanic last week, so I've already been punished. But from what I hear, The Room has achieved cult-like bad status, and The Roommate...Well, it's just bad. (It has an 8% on Rotten Tomatoes...8%! The Room has 31%- that's a pretty big difference, considering The Room has been dubbed the "Citizen Kane of bad movies."

Poultry Prophecy

One of my closest friends has a theory about chickens, which she revealed to me when we were in high school.

"Chickens are evil," she said casually, when someone asked her why she abstained from eating poultry.
"Wait... What....?" We responded, confused. I had chickens as pets when I was a child, so it was hard to imagine them harboring some kind of evil plan that they were to hatch upon mankind. (Pun regrettably intended).

"Yeah, they're going to take over the world," she said again. As my face showed all signs of being flabbergasted, images of dominatrix chickens whipping docile humans while holding them on a leash flashed through my head. My friend's convictions wavered at times--they didn't apply to Chicken McNuggests, because, as she said, those weren't really chicken.

I couldn't find a picture of a dominatric chicken.

In hindsight, my friend had a bit of prophetic wisdom in her words, after all, avian flu was and still is a serious threat in some places.

But the other day I came face to face with an evil chicken that taunted me from beyond the grave.

As you know, I love my cats. This love involves me cooking for them, rather than cooking for myself-- giving me a convenient excuse to constantly eat take-out (it's a win-win situation). And the other day, I thought to myself while shopping with a friend, "Why not cook an entire chicken?"

Victim and Perpetrator

Bad. Bad idea. I overestimated my Julia Child-esque butchering capabilities. I was left, half-wretching, half-crying, into my sink which also held a chicken's whole carcass maimed by my feeble attempts with a cooking knife. (I was trying to take off the skin for cat health purposes) One of my friends had the misfortune of being on the phone with me- an anecdote she was telling me was constantly interrupted by my faint cries of "blergh...blerghhhh...blerrghhhh....."

Own that chicken Julia!

In the end, I submerged that evil agent of destruction into a pot of boiling water and prayed for it not to leap out with its little wings at my exposed throat. (No such thing happened, although I'm pretty sure that it's possible.)

I thought I'd conquered my fears but now I'm unable to smell or eat chicken. My friend was right. Chickens are evil. I know because I've faced one and lived.

(This is by far the most idiotic thing I've ever written.)

Never Mind My Obscene Voice Mails

In 2008, what is now referred to as "Sachsgate" got in the way of one of my most enduring obsessions: Simon Amstell's reign on Nevermind the Buzzcocks. After Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross left some unsavoury messages on Andrew Sach's voicemail, (one pertaining to Brand's trysts with his burlesque-dancing granddaughter) an explosion of discontent went off in the British media world- even Gordon Brown spoke out against this act of telephone abuse.

I don't particularly care about Jonathan Ross or Russell Brand, but after this tsunami of craziness washed over the BBC I found out that a prerecorded episode of Never Mind the Buzzcocks, in which Russell Brand was a guest, had been cancelled from BBC's schedule. I had been cheated from my precious last moments with Simon Amstell as the host of this irreverent pop quiz show.

"DAMN YOU BBC!!!!!!!!" (I thought to myself, shaking my fists towards the sky as rain pelted down on my face. Well, not really, I think I ate some cake to make me feel better)

Thanks to the glory of the interwebz, those moments have been restored.

Egypt

With the internet black-out and ousting of Al-Jazeera from Cairo, on-the-ground perspectives from Egypt are getting more sparse. Due to some loopholes in the internet many voices are still managing to pierce through the cyber walls. Here are some mainstream and not-so-mainstream sources to get real-time updates and analysis about Egypt.

1) The Arabist: Run by freelance journalists, Issandr El Amrani has a particularly interesting analysis of the lack of police presence in the streets of Egypt.

http://www.arabist.net/blog/2011/1/30/manipulation.html

2) Ayman Mohyeldin's Twitter account (He's a correspondent for Al-Jazeera)

3) The Daily News Egypt- Sarah El Sirgany, editor for the paper, appeared via telephone on Piers Morgan tonight a couple days ago, saying that the Daily News had one of the few remaining working ISP addresses in Egypt. A little while later, the website was hacked, forcing them to use a blog to post articles. Now the main site is back up- the most recent article details protests in Tahrir Square, with more powerful tanks present and fighter jets circling above.

4) For regularly updated live updates from the foreign press, The Guardian offers day-by-day updates that change every ten minutes or so.

5) Democracy Now! features blogposts by Sharif Abdel Koudous on the ground in Cairo. Or, there's also his Twitter account.  Most recent update describes people's reaction to the arrival of ElBaradei at the protests in Tahrir Square:

Finally, to find internet loopholes and other means of bypassing the internet blockade, the Huffington Post offers this list of suggestions. 

**BTW, despite Al-Jazeera being blocked from Egypt, measures have been taken to ensure that it's still broadcasting news about protests. They're broadcasting on alternative frequencies and ensuring the safety of reporters, some of whom had been arrested. You can watch here: http://english.aljazeera.net/watch_now/

Aw HELL NO

The most horrifying thing to befall Italy since Berlusconi is now looming in the distant future. This threat will stir fear in the hearts of Italian men, women, and children (and gelato-eating tourist) alike.

Yes, this apocalyptic day is upon us. According to TMZ plans to shoot season 4 of The Jersey Shore in Italy are well-underway; visa preparations apparently started two months ago. The exact location for this insanity is not known yet, but the possibilities are running through my mind like a cheetah on crack.

Florence? Venice? Rome? A tiny village in Tuscany whose peace will be forever destroyed by the late-night cries of a smoosh or the frustrations of a futile search for a tanning salon?

I don't know how I feel about this. On one hand, it could be televison gold. I spent my freshman year in Florence entertained by the drunken adventures of most of the student population which seems to have taken over the city. There were countless attempts to speak Italian gone extremely awry: "Dovay ill DOO-OMO?"(Where is the Duomo) Me and my friends were asked this question in downtown Florence, which is quite small, so the shadow of the Duomo is seen from practically everywhere and is really not that hard to find.

On the other hand, I cringe to think of the countless cultural faux-pas that they'll undoubtedly embark on. As we know, Italy isn't exactly fond of our band of guido's and guidettes. This will undoubtedly just make things a whole lot worse. I'm predicting the country will give them a collective BITCH-SLAP when they try to speak the language, or worse, extol their Gym/Tan/Laundry philosophies. And seeing the Situation hit on girls is nausea-inducing in English, can you imagine how bad it will be in Italian?

I don't know if I'm quite ready for this despite my extensive reality TV training.

Red Pill or Blue Pill?

Today in strange Craigslist Postings:

I'm not sure what's creepier, the ominous tone of the title of the post, or the offhanded way in which he promises to CHALLENGE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING

Is that you, Keanu?

(Click to see the 10 best Sad Keanu images. My personal favourite is Cat Keanu)

Haunted Housewives

I'm having some kind of post-traumatic reaction to the other night's epic finale of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. This is not the first time in Housewives history that there's been a spectacular display of female vindictiveness and all-around bitchery.

Let's recall fondly: Danielle Staub's weave-being-pulled fiasco, Kim Zolciak's claim that Nene Leakes tried to strangle her, Caroline's restaurant-show-down with Danielle, not to mention, Theresa's rabid lunge for Danielle during the New Jersey Reunion. These are just a few examples. (...and I've officially lost any shred of self-respect for myself due to my knowledge of these inconsequential facts.)

But last night's fight between Kim and Kyle was a different animal. I felt a little bad even watching it, being privy to such an intense verbal (and kind of physical) stand-off seemed a little voyeuristic. (On the other hand, watching Camille Grammer trying to conjure up a tear was, while sad, less bone-chilling.)

Here's a clip of the fight from the finale, which I feel bad even reposting because it's so brutal:
              

I've drawn a diagram to elucidate all the fighting.

That furry thing is Giggy, the dog.

Now that I feel  pathetic and depraved for wasting any fraction of my time on that hideousness, I'll dive into the insanities of the finale. There was some frivolous drama about the fight in New York that escalated into the mother of all sibling fights. Kyle cornered Kim in a limo and they exchanged puzzling and flat-out mean barbs, except Kim was clearly frightened by a head-swiveling ANGRY Kyle. And it ended with a terribly sad shot of Kim crying in the back of the Limo. 

This craziness brings me to the question, WHY on earth are we, as a culture, so unbelievably entertained by watching women fight? (I know I am) I tried to ask my great guru of knowledge, Google, and I was only confronted by this EQUALLY unanswerable question:

There are so many mysteries in this universe. We may never know the answers.